The Secret to Solving ANY Relationship Problem

You can't be empathic and angry at the same time

One of the most common causes of relationship problems is presuming to really understand your partner, when it's clear to him or her that you couldn't be more off target. Over time, such presumption -- which goes in both directions -- can kill off any relationship.

Presuming is something you do at your partner from your inside out. Exploring sincere curiosity, on the other hand, is something you do with your partner from their inside out.

The next time you and your partner are stuck in a heated argument that's not going anywhere, try this surefire three-step strategy:

1. Realize when you're being on the offensive or defensive, and stop talking.
2. Admit to yourself that you and your partner are having problem.
3. Ask yourself, "What's it like for my partner right now?"

You will discover an amazing fact about human nature: You can't be sincerely curious about how and what another person is feeling and be angry with him or her at the same moment.

For instance, if you were to say to your partner during a tense time, "I didn't like where this conversation was going, and then I stopped and wondered what it was like for you. I realized that you don't like where it's going either, do you?"

If your partner agrees that he or she doesn't like what's happening, make the following offer: "If you don't like where it's going and I don't either, why don't we stop, start over, and have both of us try to talk without becoming hostile or defensive?" Unless your partner enjoys arguments, there's a good chance he or she will take you up on your invitation.

If your partner doesn't agree, he or she may want to hold onto the anger, rather than make things better. If you're the one who doesn't want to do this, then you're the one who'd rather be right than improve your relationship.

Now check out Cross Cultural Communication Made Simple.

(c) 2007 Mark Goulston

The Secret of "The Secret"

Forgiveness + Gratitude + Generosity = Attraction = The Secret

My partner, Keith Ferrazzi, has been recommending The Secret and I recently watched it on DVD and saw the show about it on Oprah and had some resistance to its message until I practiced what it preached, especially forgiveness. I realized that as long as I was not forgiving (others, myself, past situations, etc.), I was chasing after something that was impossible to fix, i.e. trying to rewrite some past disappointment or hurt that was not going to change, and diverting energy from my present and future. Being unforgving is an emotional "black hole" that sucks from everything else.

As soon as I decided to forgive and let it go, my unforgiving state of mind lost its power over me. After I recentered since I no longer needed to chase the impossible, I was able to recenter on gratitude.

Gratitude is wonderful. It is the gift that keeps on giving. When you're in a state of gratitude, nothing is missing in your mind, your life or the world. You can't be truly grateful and angry, hurt, disappointed or frustrated at the same time. When you are truly grateful, your cup runneth over and you want to give back, i.e. be generous towards the world. Read more on gratitude.

Generosity is what fuels the law of attraction. If you give to others and the world, without keeping score, you will discover another universal principle, i.e. reciprocity. Give to the world and it will want to give back. That is what the law of attraction is about.

A great example of this is the movie, Groundhog Day. In it Bill Murray starts out very self-centered and attracts very little towards himself (and even repulsed Andie MacDowall, the object of his lust). As he keeps dying and reliving each day, he starts to discover what Andie MacDowall truly wants and needs and when he becomes those things, he so attracts her that she bids for him in an auction at the end of the movie.

Too girlie an example, for you guys? Then think of the movie, Field of Dreams. In it, Kevin Costner sacrifices everything to build a baseball field and keeps building it without knowing why. All through the movie his "generosity" is tested by his asking why he is doing it. In the end, he builds a field that helps baseball players (including his dad) to fulfill the dreams they never got to live in life. And the lesson of the story? Build something that fulfills the dreams of people and "people will come."

So think of the people who are most important to you. Figure out what they most want and need and help them get those and you, too, will attract more than you can imagine.

Let me close by saying to you the words of Kevin Costner's character, Ray Kinsella, to his dad near the end of the movie, "Do you want to have a catch?"

(c) 2007 Mark Goulston

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Before George W, there was another George W

On succession planning, ego and being presidential

Friends, And Fellow Citizens

The period for a new election of a citizen to administer the executive government of the United States, being not far distant, and the time actually arrived when your thoughts must be employed in designating the person who is to be clothed with that important trust, it appears to me proper, especially as it may conduce to a more distinct expression of the public voice, that I should now apprise you of the resolution I have formed, to decline being considered among the number of those out of whom a choice is to be made...

Though, in reviewing the incidents of my administration, I am unconscious of intentional error, I am nevertheless too sensible of my defects not to think it probable that I may have committed many errors. Whatever they may be, I fervently beseech the Almighty to avert or mitigate the evils to which they may tend. I shall also carry with me the hope, that my country will never cease to view them with indulgence; and that, after forty-five years of my life dedicated to its service with an upright zeal, the faults of incompetent abilities will be consigned to oblivion, as myself must soon be to the mansions of rest.

- G. Washington

United States, 17th September 1796

These words represent a transition of leadership unprecedented in all of human history up to that time. This can be said without American bias. This was the first time a soldier, turned citizen-leader, willingly and voluntary turned over the power of a civilian government to another yet to be determined citizen leader. Known as Washington’s Farewell address, it was not an address at all but an open letter to the then nascent American People.

In order to fully appreciate the magnitude of this transfer of power, some historical context is important. Also, there is much that can be learned by entrepreneurs from George Washington, aside from this act of selfless leadership and dedication to his ultimate objective of creating a nation. Washington was after all, an entrepreneur himself. He had to creatively resource the new and under-resourced Continental Army. As a leader he had to train, organize, motivate and manage this new and different fighting force. His competition was larger, better trained, more mature and better established in its approach and very well capitalized. He led his people through very adverse circumstances, always keeping them focused on their higher purpose rather than their current difficult state of affairs.

Washington had a keen understanding of the importance of making time your ally rather than your enemy. He did this through conscious procrastination, the art of picking your spots and not acting in haste. He knew that in order to achieve his ultimate objective, he did not have to defeat his enemy in every situation. He needed to achieve small, important victories that would inspire his people and sow the seeds of doubt in his enemy. Washington understood that the most important thing was to sustain and persevere. Rather than defeat the British militarily, he had to break their will. He had to convince the British command and the British soldier in the field that while the Continental Army might not achieve a decisive military victory, they would also deny that opportunity to the British. He needed to give the new enterprise known as America the gift of time. The time to develop, congeal and coalesce as a nation. Then the people would have even more to fight for, their higher purpose.

To understand the monumental task that Washington had undertaken, is to understand his stature in having achieved it. Achieving victory with the forced expulsion of the British via the Treaty of Paris, gave Washington nearly unprecedented power and popularity. He was a truly mythic figure. His likeness was everywhere. Nearly all revered him and even his enemies and detractors had deep respect for his achievement. There were greater thinkers, orators and writers at the time, but no greater recognized leader then Washington. Washington could have had himself crowned king of America at that time and there would have been little to stop him.

Instead he chose a different path. And with that choice set off a chain of events that has led to over two hundred years of peaceful, orderly transitions of power in the world’s oldest operating democratic republic.

In September of 1796, Washington demonstrated that he knew something that entrepreneurs, founders and leaders of all types should know but all too often fail to realize; that it was time. It was time to transition to the next level of stability and maturity as a government and as a nation. Good leaders know how and when to lead, great leaders also know how and when to leave. Had Washington chosen to continue, he knew intuitively, that the entire future, and nature of leadership in America would be forever different; and not better. He would have left this new democratic republic with the sense of dependency on charismatic leadership vested in a man, rather than the independence derived from faith in themselves, institutions, process and their guiding principles.

In effect, Washington had come to an inflection point in the development of the new nation. Done well, the orderly transition would set this new country on an upward trajectory for growth and prosperity. Done poorly, the course would be set for dissention, dependency and the strong possibility this new enterprise would never reach its potential or survive at all.

By powerful example, Washington created a fundamental precept that resonates today in American culture. That dedication to a cause, an idea, or a principle larger than yourself, demands that you subjugate yourself to it for the good of the whole. The power of humility cannot be underestimated in a great leader. A clear understanding and recognition of our faults can have a profound impact on others. The Farewell Address is a masterfully conceived message that in its entirety embodies both great ideas with the humility of a Virginia farmer of the day.

The Farewell Address is a great study of how one gets the message out, and also about knowing your audience. The Farewell Address was never delivered as a speech, as many messages of its type were delivered at the time. Instead it was published as an open letter in to the American public in a local newspaper and subsequently picked up and reprinted all over the country.

Washington was a master of symbolism, rituals and traditions from his years of military service. The crafting and placement of this message is no exception. Instead of an address to the Congress which may or may not have made its way to the people, he bypassed Congress completely and took his case directly to the public. It was his way of sending a powerful message about their role as a central player in the future success of their country. Again, an unprecedented notion for the time.

The new country and its people were still trying to find their way in this new experiment, in effect, seeking their vision. This strategically brilliant use of media and direct communication not only conveyed the message in its content, but reinforced it through its method and use of plain language. Certainly, most of those reading the message then, did not take the time to analyze the strategic nature of it, but it set a tone and created an environment that while conceptual, was also palpable. That is what great leaders do. They set the tone and create the environment for future success for those best placed to make it happen, on the street, the shop floor or the local cubicle.

xxxx

Mark Goulston, M.D. is a partner at Ferrazzi Greenlight and author of Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. Kevin Gregson is CEO Sherwood Solutions. For more info on Mark, go to: http://www.markgoulston.com for more info on Kevin, go to: http://www.shrwood.com/about/kevin-gregson.asp .

For Valentine's Day

Happy couples know that the real relationship begins when the honeymoon is over. Unless you maintain a garden of love, it will grow weeds and its beauty will wither and die. So let's explore the 10 habits* of highly happy couples (with all due respect and appreciation to Stephen Covey):

1. Go to bed at the same time. Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn't wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps.

2. Cultivate common interests. After the passion settles down, it's common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don't minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.

3. Walk hand in hand or side by side. Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it's more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode. If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can't resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.

5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong. If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work. Our skin has a memory of "good touch" (loved), "bad touch" (abused) and "no touch" (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the "good touch," which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.

7. Say "I love you" and "Have a good day" every morning. This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.

8. Say "Good night" every night, regardless of how you feel. This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.

9. Do a "weather" check during the day. Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you're more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner. Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact -- hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.

Even if these actions don't come naturally, happy couples stick with them until they do become a part of their relationship. They know that it takes 30 days for a change in behavior to become a habit, and a minimum of six months for a habit to become a way of life and love.

(* According to Dan Sullivan, founder of The Strategic Coach: "Self-discipline is an ugly word. People mainly use it to beat up on themselves or others for not having enough of it. What it comes down to is habits. Happy and successful people have different habits than unhappy and unsuccessful people. And habits are specific behaviors that you do on a consistent basis until you internalize them into your personality.")

(c) 2007 Mark Goulston

P.S. Next week discover: "One of the Best Conversations You'll Ever Have With Your Partner" and for more relationship help check out: The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again...and Stay There

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On being Lisa Nowak, female and male

If you haven't noticed, the world is not a ghetto. It's a silo. Silos help us to to tune out distractions, to keep our eye on the prize or goal, and drill down deeply into our areas of competence. All good stuff.

Now the bad. Although silos help us coordinate our skills and functions--the "human doing" part of our personality--with those of others to achieve amazing things, including a successful space shuttle, they prevent us from connecting from the "human being" inside us with that part within others. Left ignored it can cause people to do desperate things such as Lisa Nowak's reckless and wreckful journey.

Women face different stresses and face stress differently than men, for many reasons. One of the most important is that at their cores women are much better and often more motivated at connecting deeply with others in the service of closeness. Men connect with others more often in the service of achieving goals and objectives.

It is not just a whole host of different hormones at play here, but men's and women's brains are anatomically different. One of the main differences is that the connecting pathway between the left (logical) hemisphere and right (emotional) called the corpus callosum is significantly thicker in women than in men. That means that women's left and right brain are better connected than a man's. At its best, it makes women more understanding; at its worst, it makes them indecisive. At its best, it makes men more decisive; at its worst, it gets them locked into an "either or" myopia.

This means that women may become emotional about trivial matters for which they are ridiculed by men, but on the other hand they won't go to war as quickly as men, because they are more in touch with the grief than the anger of losing a child. Women know that retaliating against an enemy (as men are likely to do) will not bring back a dead child and will only prolong the misery.

In the end, men connect women to the world; women connect men to each other...and themselves. Men can provide a house, but only women can turn it into a home.

Can't we just get along?

Hillary's Problem and Our Problem with Hillary

Accurately and deservedly or not with Bill Clinton we always believed we knew what he was feeling; with Hillary (and John Kerry and Al Gore - until recently and unfortunately too late) we never know. When we are unable to know what someone is feeling, we too often project either confusion (as with Kerry) or cunning and ulterior motives (as with Hillary) and causes us to be tentative in our support.

A "No Lose" Proposition

Winning is one of the best opportunities
to demonstrate graciousness and generosity;
Losing is one of the best opportunities
to show poise, humility and take responsibility ;
Graciousness, generosity, poise, humility
and taking responsibility
are five of your best opportunities
to earn and gain respect and esteem
from others and yourself.

(c) 2007 Mark Goulston

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Senator Obama, Read "Your" Lips

“How would that make you feel if somebody did that to you?”

With that phrase, you are not only saying and living by what your mother taught you, but it also implies – to all the non-lawyers in the world—that in negotiations and legislation you would accept the deal you are proposing, if you were on the other side of the table.

I am saying this not to chastise, but to forewarn you to not fall prey to the “Read my lips” debacle of President Bush part 1 and too-many-to-mention gaffes from President Bush part 2. Because you see, I am just as excited about your being not merely the next best thing, but the best thing, period for our country to come along in a long time--a “neo Reagan” following a “Carteresque Bush” (policies, P.O.V. notwithstanding).

In all honesty, only 30 % of my enthusiasm is about you. The remaining 70 % is about the deep ache and hunger to find someone to believe in who just might not turn out to have feet of clay, if not hardened intractable concrete. I am not alone in personally starving for someone who can break through or at least thaw the skepticism, cynicism, transactional myopia and ROI blindness that has engulfed, consumed and ultimately betrayed all of us.

It’s not an impossible task, but here is something to keep in mind as you plan your and possibly our future. A skeptic is someone who is reluctant to trust and believe; a cynic is someone who refuses to trust and believe. A skeptic is someone who once trusted and believed and was disappointed; a cynic is someone who once trusted and believed and was betrayed. Nevertheless deep inside all skeptics and most cynics is a deep abiding ache to trust and believe once more, but to do so without the fear of being disappointed or betrayed again.

Something else to consider. As you are evolving (and hopefully not merely morphing), don’t be merely motivational or even inspirational.

To motivate is to pump people up (or from a cynical point of view, puff people up). It aims people toward a goal (usually the leader’s personal one) and then fires them toward it like a rifle shot. Too often, the people listening do not have the courage of the leader who is doing the pumping and aiming. When the pump's away, the people deflate. After such calls to action I have heard people say to each other, "That's easy for him to say. He’s got enough power and money to have the courage of his convictions." Too many people are too far down and too weary to buy into being pumped up momentarily.

More people need to be lifted up than pumped up. This is what inspiration does. Whereas motivation seeks to mobilize you by telling you to take action, inspiration accounts for the notion that if you are too wounded you may need some compassion and healing before you get back on your feet. That compassion is not wasted. It feels good to be understood--to have others know that sometimes you're not being lazy; sometimes you are too hurt to do anything other than lick your wounds after a truck has hit you. But as with motivation, inspiration, although more satisfying to the spirit, can also fall short of helping people reach a goal. Too often, inspiration lifts you up but doesn't give you specific steps to take. So you are left feeling better, but still just as lost about what to do next.

If trying to motivate or even to inspire falls short of helping people reach a goal, what's a leader to do? He can enspire his people. To enlarge is to make larger; to enable is to make able; to ennoble is to make noble. To enspire is to both lift up and direct. Enspiration makes something happen. It gives people the will to find the way and also the way to sustain the will.

To find one of best and most endearing and enduring examples of this, you needn’t look beyond an enspirational leader that has enchanted both you and your children. Just remember how Peter Pan enspired Wendy to go to Neverland with the simple directive: “Second star to the left and straight on ‘til morning.”

For us to achieve the audacity of hope, we may need you to have the audacity of Pan.

© 2007 Mark Goulston

No More Bullsh*t

Toleration of bullsh*t
is directly proportionate
to fear of confrontation;
Bullsh*t is inevitable,
believing and accepting it are not.

Definitions:

BULLSH*T – the delusion that something will work out which experience, common sense and life have consistently shown has a snowball’s chance in hell of happening.

TO BULLSH*T – to try to convince someone else or yourself that the above is true.

EMPLOYEE – someone who because of fear and security concerns must often tolerate a great deal of bullsh*t.

SOLE PRACTITIONER - someone whose single greatest perk is the ability to get up and leave when confronted with bullsh*t.

One of the benefits of nearly dying –which happened to me three years ago—is to get a second chance to do life differently. Although the doctors said my colon had perforated from diverticulitis, I knew better. It had imploded after I had bullsh*tted myself that I could stay ahead of the bullsh*t around me without it hurting me.

I had been able to recognize it for years, but I didn’t always confront or deal with it. That can change when you’re changing a cute little accessory attached to your body (which fortunately was repaired). Check out my values to see how I've tried to keep from giving bullsh*t a second chance to kill me. Don’t bullsh*t yourself.

(c) 2007 Mark Goulston

Keep Your New Year's Resolutions

Most people are ready for change, few are ready to change. As the saying goes: "If you fail to plan, plan to fail." And when you're planning here are some principles to keep in mind

ACTION STEPS:

1. BE REALISTIC. Don't confuse reasonable expectations with realistic expectations. Reasonable means "makes sense." Realistic means "likely to happen." It may be reasonable to stop smoking, start a new diet and begin exercising, but it may not be realistic to change all of them at once.

2. SET SPECIFIC GOALS. Most people have a clearer idea of how they want to feel (as in happier, healthier, richer) than they have a clear picture of what things need to be done to get there. You know the saying, "Where there's a will, there's a way." The reverse is more often true, i.e. "Where there's a way, there's a will." Have a step-by-step plan for how to achieve your goals.

3. WRITE IT DOWN. You wouldn't build a house without a blueprint, would you? Write down what you need to stop doing and what you need to start doing to reach your goals. Writing down your goals and plans increases your commitment.

4. TELL OTHER PEOPLE. Telling other people you're going to do something increases your commitment. Select people that you respect and admire, and whose respect you would like to receive.

5. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM. Partner with someone who is also trying to keep their New Year's resolutions to increase your dedication. Stopping negative habits and replacing them with positive behavior is easier when you have a buddy system with a good friend or co-worker. Doing New Year's Resolutions with another person reduces the pain of doing without that unhealthy habit you're trying to break.

6. ELIMINATE ENERGY VAMPIRES. One reason you fall off diets and exercise programs is that you need a quick fix every time you deal with negative people or no-win situations. These can be so exhausting that you say "the heck with" your diet or exercise and grab a candy bar or bail on exercising. Find a way to reduce contact with these people and situations and you'll dramatically increase your energy and be able to stay on track.

7. STICK WITH IT. Realize that it takes 30 days for a change in behavior to become a habit (this may explain why they give out 30 day chips for maintaining sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous) and six months for a habit to become a natural part of your personality.

(c) 2006 Mark Goulston

See Soledad O'Brien "buy in" to Mark's New Year's Resolution tips.

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If you enjoy Mark Goulston's signature, "Usable Insights" and "Action Steps," share his new book Get Out of Your Own Way at Work...and Help Others Do the Same, with your friends and colleagues. Enquire about special quantity discounts for bulk purchases for sales promotions, giveaways, premiums or educational use from Penguin Group (USA) Inc, Telephone: 212/ 366-2612; Fax: 212/ 366-2679; or visit www.penguin.com/corporatesales. Quantity discounts are also often available from your local bookseller or from www.800CEORead.com.

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The Best Gifts in Life are Free

Phone call home (calling card), 75 cents
Xmas card (Hallmark), $2.50
Airfare home (roundtrip), $350
Unsolicited thanks (from a grown child), priceless*

Up until I was 35 years old I considered myself a coward, because I stayed too much in my comfort zone, took too few risks and gave into my fears. Then my first child was born. One day when she was three months old and I was holding her in my lap, she looked up into my eyes with total love and total trust. I realized that if she looked into my eyes that way when she was twenty and saw in me, what I saw in me, she would be disappointed. And I couldn’t do that to her.

What I was most afraid of and thus avoided was being on the spot, humiliating myself or being ridiculed. That is why I rarely asked questions— either at home or in the world (except in my capacity as a psychiatrist/psychotherapist)– up until that time in my life. On that day I started to say, “Yes” to all the things I had previously said, “No” to from fear.

Now on nearly a daily basis I go out of my way to put myself on the spot. That is why I give talks, grant interviews, write articles and books. When it goes well, it gives me confidence; when it goes poorly, all the better, because that makes me stronger and innoculates me against cowardom.

You might wonder how things turned out since my daughter is now 24. Six months ago I received the best gift I have ever received. It was an email from her:

“Hi dad, last night my friends ----- and ----- and I were out walking in Manhattan discussing how lost and confused we felt (BTW they all have jobs), when I interrupted as I often do to say, ‘My dad said -----.’ And just as often, it stops the conversation and makes it considerably better. I’m not so sure my friends could say the same about their dads. I’m lucky to have a dad who is so wise, even if he is far away. I love you. See you soon, Lauren.”

Don’t wait until it’s too late to give that kind of thank you to the people you’re grateful to.

* with appreciation to Mastercard

© 2006 Mark Goulston

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Paper train your problem relatives for Xmas

An ounce of flattery
will get you an evening of table manners.

Do you have any relatives or friends that ruin everyone’s time at Christmas dinner and you can’t un-invite them? Do you feel guilty at wishing they’ll either have other plans or be too sick to come? Do you wish there was a way to paper train them so they don’t mess on everyone else’s good time?

Here is how using a little applied emotional intelligence can save the day. One thing most of these high-maintenance (easy to upset, difficult to please) people have in common is that they feel as if the world is not treating them well enough. In essence they don’t feel important or special enough in the world (usually because their awful personality has gotten in the way of success which they are bitter about).

This is where thinking ahead and using the “i” (as in "important") word can do wonders.

Have the male of the house that is doing dinner call these problem people 5 to 7 days ahead of time and say to them: “I’m calling to ask you a favor because you’re a very important part of our holiday dinners (i.e. “because we haven’t figured out how to keep you from coming or shut you up”). Many of us don’t see or even talk to each other except for the holidays and you never know who’s really having a bad time with a terrible illness, a recent death, or some big financial problems. So these dinners can be very awkward and since you are such a consistent and important guest I was hoping you might be able to greet people when they come in, and help pull them out of their shell by asking them how they and their family are doing and about anything new that’s been going on with them.”

Having the male of the house do something so forward thinking and so gracious (it’s not that often that a man asks for help or directions) and also giving these people who feel so cheated by life the chance to feel important is not only quite flattering, it is disarming. The problem person is going to have trouble responding with his/her real modas operandi, i.e. “No thanks. I was planning on coming and ruining everyone’s time like I do every year.”

Then when the night of dinner occurs, this same male should greet that person at the door, touch them on the arm and say: “I hope I can count on you to help make people feel comfortable after they arrive.” Then add before they can respond, “Oh, excuse me. I have to go take care of some things.”

This may not stop a dyed in the wool jerk from spoiling Christmas, but it may serve as a deterrent.

In the mean time, Happy Holidays to you all.

© 2006 Mark Goulston

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How to Succeed at Anything

I have recently become a partner at Ferrazzi Greenlight, where we believe that "business is human." Catch Keith's latest effort in Reader's Digest: "How to Succeed at Anything" (you'll also see some of my work in the "Get Out of Your Own Way" tool).

Check the new Reader's Digest (January 2007 issue, blue cover with Hilary Swank top-left, page 107) for Keith's article "Got a Dream? Here's how to make it happen." Or click here to read it at RD.com.

Why we laugh at Borat...and funerals

If you laugh at Borat, you’re not sick;
you’re just repressed.

Watching the new movie Borat is like fighting a losing battle to resist laughing at a funeral. Being someone who is guilty of that as well as laughing with oncology doctors on cancer wards and occasionally acting as the wrong ‘sic’ humored role model to my kids, Sasha Baron Cohen’s movie caused me to pause—as a specialist in emotional intelligence and neuroscience—and contemplate why.

Fortunately I have never been someone who was driven to tickling those who can’t stand to be tickled, nor have I ever attacked, ridiculed or humiliated the relatively decent, but ignorant people in the world (that Borat overflows with) who just don’t know any better and who would probably not learn to know better by such treatment. But I have had the fantasy of doing so.

For me and others that this battle to maintain self-control speaks to, too often many of us slide into a black and white mind set of thinking and believing that we are either in control or out of control. It seems to require more integrated and internalized wisdom than I can muster to accept into my DNA that most of life occurs in the “not in control” zone. The final score in a football contest result from each team reaching the end zone or kicking over the crossbars of the goal post, yet the entire game is played in the not in control 100 yard field in between. It’s the game, not that score that makes it worth watching.

For much of every day, most of us are besieged by responsibilities, obligations, risks that can turn into set backs if not disasters, and opportunities that can be missed whereupon we proceed to beat up on ourselves . All of these conspire to push us from a state of stress where we can hold onto our goals and develop inner fortitude past our internal tipping point into a state of distress, where our goal becomes finding relief. It is the seeking of that relief that drives us to go off diets, stop exercising, buy something we don’t need, procrastinate on something we should get done now, explode at a boss, friend or loved one or find some other means to get in our own way. It’s what pushes us to go postal and I don’t mean to go to the post office and wait in a long line for stamps.

It is also what causes us to not just go to see Borat (and before that “Old School” or the Austin Powers movies), but to read about going to see them (as I’m hoping you’ll do with this piece). Movies, television and fiction offer ways to deal with distress that are less destructive than going postal. By going to Borat and identifying with the main character as someone who gives into and even celebrates the impulses we merely imagine acting upon we experience something psychologists refer to as “mediated catharsis.” This is where someone who seems to be in control, bares their neck and reveals something that we quickly and deeply resonate with, but something that causes us to feel potentially out of control.

As they act out our fantasies and as they go either too far or even over the edge (as in both farcically funny or at the other extreme violent revenge movies), we feel relief and it sets the meter back so that we can go out and face the world and allow it to re-stress us for another day.

What this also says about us is that we are frequently caught up in a battle to stay in control, be functional, responsible, stressed and then distressed vs. letting go of control, feeling a release and relief, but then risking doing something destructive to our lives at large or at the very least our credibility.

A resolution to this is to realize and accept that at any given time, we are not single minded, but are made up of at least two minds and we need to give them both a place to live and breathe. That is why in matters of the world I try to stay in control, but in matters of the heart—and funny bone—I give it up. And that is also why I go to movies like Borat and laugh my head off.

Have Yourself a "Valuable" Little Christmas

You can teach people skills,
but you can’t teach them values.
Values are not what you think,
not what you believe,
not what you say;
they are what you do consistently over time
and resist changing.
Value is as value does.

- Billy Pittard, inventor and program director, www.zoooos.com

Terminating people is never a pleasant task, be it an employee or an underperforming director. After doing hundreds of performance reviews at all levels of his prior company, Pittard realized that the people who were successful at his company and helped the success of his company shared the same core values. That company provided full service marketing so their core values were: 1) excellence in quality of services; 2) customer delight (by consistently exceeding their expectations); 3) work well independently; 4) work well as a team member; 5) commitment to the best results rather than to being right.

Over time he learned that when the most talented individuals did not share these values they did more harm than good.

Pittard’s current venture is inventing and developing the early child educational interactive toy/device, ZOOOOS. He brought along his above values and added three more since the market for this product are 3 – 7 year olds: 1) make it educational; 2) make it interactive; 3) make it easy and fun to use.

I’ve personally seen the reaction of children to ZOOOOS and happily all three of these values are present and accounted for. BTW for friends and families (which subscribers to Usable Insights are), there is a special promotion going on that you can take advantage of at: ZOOOOS special promotion until inventory runs out.

(c) 2006 Mark Goulston

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'Tis the Season to Be Realistic

Reasonable makes sense,
Realistic is what’s likely to happen.

The Holidays are the season for many things, especially great expectations. If you’re like me, every time I have high expectations and they don’t pan out, the disappointment can at times feel devastating. On the other hand to have no expectations seems like going too much to the other extreme. So here is the formula I have found that works best:

Have:

Good Planning
High Hopes
Realistic Expectations
But Don’t count on anything

Happy Holidays to all!

© 2006 Mark Goulston

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I love you! I hate you!

Immature love is loving someone for what they do right;

Mature love is loving someone in spite of what they do wrong.

In the thought provoking July 3, 2006 Los Angeles Times article "I Love You! I Hate You!" Marianne Szegedy-Maszak describes research that essentially says the lower your self-esteem, the more difficult it is for you to accept that people in your life have both good and bad attributes. Instead you see people as all good or all bad. The higher your self-esteem, the more you are able to see people as "whole" having both good and bad attributes. Some of the other measures of high self-esteem are listed below:

The Top 10 Measures of Self-Esteem

Self-esteem should not be confused with self-confidence -- self-confidence is believing in your competence, whereas self-esteem is believing in your worthiness. You build self-esteem the old fashioned way, you e-a-r-n it -- through dedication, effort, and sacrifice.

When you have developed it, your reward is to feel whole and satisfied. You show your gratitude not only by giving generously back to the world, but by being gracious in victory and graceful in defeat. Self-esteem is crucial to how much or how little contentment you feel at the end of your life.

1. How much you do to raise and DON'T do to lower the self-esteem of others.

2. How long you sustain an effort outside of your comfort zone to help the common good.

3. How full an effort you give to a fair decision that you disagree with.

4. How easily you ask for help or assistance.

5. How quickly and sincerely you thank someone who has helped you.

6. How quickly you offer help without the other person having to ask for it.

7. How fully you forgive and forget after you've been hurt and how quickly you move on.

8. How quickly you recognize and earnestly you apologize for your failures of commission or omission.

9. How enthusiastically you congratulate someone else on an achievement or good fortune.

10. How much more you give to the world than you take from it.

© 2003 Mark Goulston, couplescompany.com

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Be Different or Pay the Price

If you don't distinguish yourself from your competitors, your clients and customers will treat you like a commodity, marginalize you, and make decisions about your services and products based on price rather than value or loyalty.

The best way to distinguish yourself is to listen to what your clients and customers most want to accomplish (and in many cases you may need to help them define what that that is) and then help them to do it.

My friend Bruce Wright, founder of Macro Strategic Design suggests people watch the movie Groundhog Day to see how to do that. Wright explains that the movie is superficially about an obnoxious Bill Murray trying to have sex with Andie MacDowell and throughout the movie he keeps waking up to find it's Groundhog Day. The more important story and lesson is that Murray also discovers what Andie MacDowell really wants in a boyfriend. When he becomes that person, she bids and wins him in an auction in one of the closing scenes, because he has become what she wanted. What makes it a terrific movie (in the Frank Capra sense) is that he also discovers that what she wants turns out to be what he actually wants to become, i.e. a generous and caring person.

Ever feel envious about how much your CEO is paid compared to the rest of your company?

Do you ever feel envious about how much CEO's make compared to nearly everyone else at the companies they run? Charlie Munger (Warren Buffett's partner) thinks it's a big problem and talks about it at: Reuters: CEO Pay at Dangerous Levels .

Munger makes a good point about CEO pay leading to dangerous levels of envy, but he doesn’t go deep enough in his analysis. Envy by itself is uncomfortable, but not dangerous. It’s when envy crosses over to outrage which can then be enraging where destructive things happen. Envy may cause stress, but you can still remain focused on your long term goals and become more determined to reach them in a healthy, vigorous way. When however envy crosses over to being outraged, stress crosses over to distress. When that occurs, you lose sight of your long term goals and instead focus on relieving that distress--- most often in destructive or at least self-defeating ways. The most destructive reaction to outrage is to become enraged in which you either strike out at the world (going postal) or at yourself in career and sometimes even life ending actions. When stress crosses over to distress you have four options:

1. Act out
2. Vent
3. Suppress
4. Exhale

1. Act out – this is a knee jerk reaction where you physically strike out and back at the world and is nearly always destructive and triggers fear in others;
2. Vent – this is where you verbally or in print rant, complain, whine, etc. which is less frightening or destructive than 1, but triggers exhaustion in others and yourself and relaxes neither the situation or the people in it;
3. Suppress – this is where you keep a lid on it which is less destructive than 1 or 2, but over time will cause mental and or physical illness;
4. Exhale – this is where you express the fear, hurt, outrage and angst under the more violent expressions in 1 and 2 to someone who understands, empathizes in a way as to “drain the pus” from where you feel wounded. This enables you to relax and it is the only path out of distress where you open your mind to constructive input from the outside.

The take home message: to succeed, much less survive, in a tough, competitive world, you want to raise the threshold where stress crosses over into distress. To do this, find vehicles that enable you to exhale. Only that will truly calm you down, relax you and open your mind to lasting solutions.

You Can't Go Wrong

A mistake stops being a mistake
when you learn and take action*
on the lesson it teaches you.

*A mistake is an action that didn’t work out. It is not an intention. Therefore, to truly counteract, compensate and correct the mistake that happened in your life (and the part of your brain that made it), you need to not just learn a lesson, but actually take action on it.

According to Jason Calacanis: “The time and money lost in making a mistake— and then recognizing it quickly, doing damage control, correcting your direction and learning from it so you don’t do it again—will still be less than a decision, being stuck in committee and frittering away revenue from the missed opportunity that staying stuck there causes.”

Calacanis should know. According to Wired magazine: “He was the king - and kingmaker - of New York's Silicon Alley, a new media cheerleader turned media mogul. Then the bubble burst. But, baby, he's back.” Calacanis knows about mistakes, but knows even more about learning from them and taking corrective action and turning them into opportunity. From 1996 – 2001 he started and grew the Silicon Alley Reporter from a 16 page photocopied newsletter into a 300 page magazine that spawned a West coast sister publication, Digital Coast Reporter, before the boom went bust. In 2001 he morphed his publication into Venture Reporter which he sold to Wicks Business Publications (it eventually ended up in Dow Jones & Company). He says he went from anybody to somebody to nobody in five years. But rather than hiding his head as many other dot com entrepreneurs he turned his vision and in-your-face aggression to blogging and founded Weblogs and went from conception to a $25million buy out by AOL in 18 months.

© 2006 Mark Goulston

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